timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
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If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0