What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
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“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
#FunnyLife Insects
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL