Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
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If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
🤣😂🤣
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket