If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
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me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”