My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
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Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
the composer
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.