6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
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JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.