I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
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FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.