Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
You Might Also Like
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Netflix: We have Less
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.