me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
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Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car