the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
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the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.