Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
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My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
“you changed” bro i was 15
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
THE AUDACITY. 😤
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Lunatics are gonna loon.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs