RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
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My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside