If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
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DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar