I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
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My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Care for your back
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.