Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
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[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger