All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
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TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
this FaceApp is creepy af
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.