I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
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Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Blew my mind.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?