Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
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I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”