Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
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There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
sigh
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.