Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
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What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
The funk soul brother
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
#Caturday
i wish all
whales
a very
big
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.