When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
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Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?