Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
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therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.