ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
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You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”