Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
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Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.