ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
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I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
#Thanos #MondayMood
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode