The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
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we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Watson was Holmes schooled
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.