Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
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that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.