[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
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Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
lol
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out