Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
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party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…