For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
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You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
oh shit
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Me :
All Day At Night
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
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Try Facebook.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent