I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
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WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
this country is so goddamn polarized
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.