Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
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Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life