Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
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Every. Damn. Time.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car