Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
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DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks