71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
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“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s