It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
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9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.