New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
You Might Also Like
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve