Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
You Might Also Like
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs