[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
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“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.