BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
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Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”