Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
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Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no