[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
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Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
it was love at first sight
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!