Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
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Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Saw your ex at the shops
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse