COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
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How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses