Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
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Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
when revenge coincides with naptime
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*