What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
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therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal