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Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.