OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
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“I wouldn’t.”
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen