Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
You Might Also Like
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Harsh but fair
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders