If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
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I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?